Monday, February 6, 2017

Saving Face

Trying to Survive PTSD

Hmmmmmm . . . here goes!

You know, I fought decades to see the man who raped me during childhood arrested. The man who told me he was God while he violently raped my siblings and friends and fooled everyone around him. The man who deserves to be where he is right now.

In December 2016, I was notified by Phoenix Police Department that he was "finally" arrested and in the same breath, I was told he was not arrested for what he did to me as a child but he was charged with what he did to another individual. Charged with two counts of Sexual Conduct with a Minor in 1980 and 1982. The crimes so heinous, the judge declined to set bail.

I made my first police report in 1979 in NY, then another in 2004 when this individual began threatening me and tried to have another family member kill me. Phoenix PD put him in a psychiatric facility but failed to investigate the sexual assault charges. Due to this failure, the statute of limitations for me ran out in 2011. I got the news on December 27, 2016.

He is in jail. I should still be happy you say. Well, whether rational or not, for years, I had placed so much emphasis on having the opportunity to face this individual in court and to finally read the "Victim Impact Statement" I had written in my mind a million times . . . just waiting for that day. I was stripped of that moment of justice everyone says is so empowering and healing.

Despite this setback, I have tried to put my best foot forward and prepare to be a key witness. I can handle this I remind myself. Taking several steps forward for all to see . . . I hide that slide backward hoping I can recoup before anyone notices. All my life I have never wanted to burden others which has resulted in a life pattern called avoidance. I only communicate, answer my phone or go out in public when I am feeling okay.

I have tried to put my best face forward so to speak. My life began really spiraling out of control in 2004, while trying to endure the threats and harassment and experiencing significant fear for my life and those I love. It never really has ever been the same. Eventually, I lost the company I was CEO of for nearly 20-years, sunk into deep depression, paranoia, and began being treated for Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but I am one of those that has been extremely proactive in my treatment and avoiding becoming a statistic.

My family has seen me at my worst but I don't share but a fraction. I don't regularly tell them I drove to the grocery store but could NOT go in, then proceeded to drive to three more, to only go home without groceries. I did that just this week. See, I would rather starve some days than interact with others. Much of my time is spent alone at home bordering Agoraphobia at times. I don't tell them I didn't sleep the night before because I heard a noise and opted to stand guard with a tactical shotgun until daybreak and safety.

We are supposed to save face. We are supposed to be strong, not show our weakness. We don't want to burden others and by God I have wanted to believe I will get through this so I keep telling myself it will be better tomorrow. Don't show vulnerability! You know where my failure to tell anyone about my bad days has gotten me? Disability terminated. They say I have improved. Truth is, I only got better at hiding my bad days to the detriment of my own well-being.

PTSD is an injury that creates fear-based physical, emotional and psychological reactions that are debilitating. I am not sure where those advocates are but if ever someone needed one . . . it is me.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

RSS Rape

When you find the person that raped you for years as a child has an RSS feed to your blog!


Child Sexual Abuse Stalking Victim

I wish I could explain to people what this feels like . . . but I know people would rather ignore this disturbing issue entirely. What if this was happening to your wife, daughter, sister, mother? What needs to happen for people to hear?

#CourageUp #PTSDAwareness #PTSDWarrior

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Significant Impact

I believe there is a reason I survived having a stroke on October 14, 2014.

I thought my struggle with PTSD was bad until I suffered a left hemispheric brain stroke and felt the vulnerability, hopelessness and fear of being confined inside my body without independent mobility.

The entire experience changed my life . . . for the better! No doubt, I appreciate each minute so much more.

The stroke caused me to take serious inventory of my life - and count my blessings.

I appreciate the friends and family who have stood by me and offered encouragement every time I have whined. Those who remind me of my capabilities when I was lacking confidence.

In short, I owe a sincere thanks to everyone who has lit a fire under my azz, for reminding me there is a reason I am still here and that I am blessed with a continued opportunity to leave my footprint on this earth.

#StrokeSurvivor #PTSDWarrior #CourageUp

Monday, April 11, 2016

Over-simplified Analysis of the 'Minister's Black Veil'

Written by Nathaniel Hawthorne and first published in 1836, the 'Minister's Black Veil' is a short and very dark story that, in my opinion, has undergone MEGA over-analysis. I am probably guilty of over-simplifying but I believe the black veil refers to the sin of murder and even though Mr. Hooper knows he is a deranged psychopath who charades as the good town Minister, he is forced realize that . . . the black veil offers him no concealment. Even the town children recognize he is evil, born without conscience and a monster in every sense of the word. Just my own random analysis.

Sunday, November 22, 2015

A Warrior Weeps

I know I do not only speak for myself.

Sometimes it only takes a sound, or a familiar smell, to send me down the road of PTSD.

That isolated road dotted with flashbacks and bumps that me feel like there may be shards of glass inside.

Feeling weak, nothing easily explainable, eyes swollen with tears intermittently rolling down my cheeks. There is no rhyme or reason, forgetting how to breathe.

Yes, I know tomorrow will be better but today the Warrior weeps.
#PTSDAwareness #WeAreWarriors

Sunday, August 30, 2015

A year of learning after Stroke

Out of darkness comes light. I believe that on every level of my being. It has been nearly a year since I survived stroke. For me, this last year has been about learning . . . learning how to slow down and appreciate all the "little things" a little more each day, improving my faith, strengthening my courage and about health and healing so my inner light can continue to shine. I do sincerely and deeply appreciate the patience and encouragement of my children and those who love me.

Friday, July 3, 2015

Igniting Courage

I'm laughing. After my previous FB post, there is at least one individual that I know I have pissed off but sometimes unprovoked taunting and "intimidation tactics" only have a reverse effect and inspire a victim's resolve.

If I could choose one thing I could be remembered for, it would be the 20yrs I advocated for justice for victims . . . and finally found the courage to seek justice for myself. Fighting monsters.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

It Is Time . . .

There is one thing about the psychopathic narcissist that prey upon little children, they think they are above justice.

The predator's egotism and "God-complex" makes them believe the years they got away with their heinous crimes means they are free. Stealing children's innocence is a most wicked crime, even declared evil within the criminal community.

Unprovoked, you dare to speak the name and continue to taunt one of your victims 40 years later . . . you just achieved one thing. Victims unite, strength is ignited, courage rallies and "justice" is the sound of a jury unanimously agreeing you have been free far too long.


Thursday, June 4, 2015

Role of Hypocrisy

A tangled web of deceit he weaves. Hiding his heart and wicked deeds behind closed doors, then leaves. 

The virtue of truth from his soul removed, lives of others become only a stepping stone to a self-serving goal, his groove. 

While dazzling others with his show, the hypocrite's soul has lost its glow. Consumed by lies and driven by deceit, for only he knows how many hearts he has stabbed and sacrificed.

For, if we are the caretakers of our brother's souls, keep in mind, our words and deeds will be measured by their toll. 

Something to think about before we don a mask and play a role. - Kym L. Pasqualini

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Can compassion makes us better people?

I often wonder if most of us wake up in the morning and say, “I am going to treat myself with compassion today?” Probably not, but I would like to think that most of us do think about treating others with compassion on a daily basis.

How compassion makes us better peopleDaily, we experience failures, loss, grief, emotional upheaval, physical injuries and illness. At times, we have to wonder how we are going to make it another day but somehow we muster that strength needed to carry us through.

We live in a society that places an incredible amount of value on material success, physical perfection, having successful friends, bling, wearing the best clothes, driving fancy cars, and eating at the nicest restaurants. Sadly, I hear people are constantly comparing themselves to others, gossiping, and even rooting for other’s failures. I often wonder if people even realize they are doing it.

It is inevitable we will experience struggle in our daily lives. Of course, suffering an illness, losing a job, experiencing significant psychological challenges for example, may drop one a couple notches on the  success society ladder. While it is natural to experience some emotional turmoil in the aftermath of various types of loss, injury and trauma, we are often hardest on ourselves.

While we must hold ourselves to high standards and be responsible, we must also understand that we need to treat ourselves compassionately.

Compassion is a strong emotion and selfless behavior that arises when we see another suffering. It motivates us to help, to make a difference. Backed by science, compassion has a biological basis, slowing down our heart-rate, and secreting oxytocin, along with areas of our brain that lights up when we feel compassion. In essence compassion creates happiness. Compassion makes us better people, and compassion is necessary to self-care.

How can we increase our capacity for self-care?

  • Give ourselves credit for the special people we are, what we have done for others, and other accomplishments.
  • Treat ourselves with Acceptance.
  • Stop comparing ourselves to others.
  • Practice mindfulness, becoming more aware of our reactions to fear and worry.
  • Stop blaming others for their misfortunes.
  • Stop blaming ourselves and others for our own misfortunes.
  • Know we can make a difference.
  • Live equality.
  • Be tolerant but stop absorbing other’s negativity.
  • Stop judging others and ourselves.
  • Let go of expectations.
  • Care for ourselves as we would care for others.
  • In all circumstances be real and do not let our egos dictate thought or behavior.
  • Know we are heroes.

I know I am not telling anyone anything they do not already know but I do think it helps us to be reminded of the importance of things that benefit humankind as a whole.

We will have experiences, both good and bad. We can choose to let some harden our hearts or we can seek the life-lesson.  For me, I want to know how to let each of my own life experiences teach me how to be a good steward.

So, it begins from within. Let’s face it, we are not the only ones on this planet and the earth certainly does not revolve around us. We must make an effort to be cognizant and remember it is a choice to love ourselves as much as others. Peace.